To Will Smith...

Dear Will,

First of all, let me say that I thought we had a good time. I especially enjoyed our conversation about the 70's R&B sound and how it should come back. I know I probably shouldn't have said what I said about rap. I was what propelled you to fame after all. But you were never gangsta, so I figured you knew what I meant.

I never expected things to end up in the bedroom. I do believe it was me who was showing you the door, when suddenly a good night kiss turned into something else.

But when my entire family came home and decided to walk through the room one by one, how can you blame me for that? They weren't even my family, just supporting actors. I did feel like I needed to go to the living room and let them know to mind their own business.

Then you came out and stood in the kitchen with your back turned to us and those ear muffs on and you were all of the sudden weary and dismissive. You turned to me with that endearing Will Smith smile and cut me to the bone. That thing you said about me being a flatterer, and about the hibachi you made and how nobody loves every single bite. First of all, I'm not a flatterer, and I think fame is sort of a mass hysterical people worship. Second of all, I don't really like hibachi all that much. Thirdly, you didn't even make me hibachi! What the hell are you talking about?

Things just got strange when you left. Standing there in the living room with Mimi Rogers, Peter McNichol, and Steve my old college roommate looking at the door, then looking at me. Then Oliver from the Brady Bunch reminded me that you still had my hearing protection on. I'll need those for Ladies Night at Coal Creek next Tuesday.

Anyway, I'm sorry it all ended up the way it did, but c'est la vie, I guess. Oh, and I'm married. You are too.

Best Regards,

Michele

P. S. I would like to know the name of that musician you were talking about earlier in the evening. I wrote it down, but somewhere between then and waking up I lost the piece of paper. So if you could do me the kindness of letting me know tonight, that would be great. It would save me a whole day of surfing Itunes. If you're still throwing a tantrum, well nevermind.