School on an Angry Planet

This is school for many children on the autism spectrum.

Imagine being in a world where the gravity isn't right. Somedays you can't make out whether your feet are on the ground. The clothes in this world feel like sandpaper, but sometimes if you wear them tight enough, you can be relatively comfortable. Sometimes you make mistakes on this strange planet because the culture doesn't make sense to you. The life forms you meet think that since you look like them, and seem to come from the same place that you should act like them as well. I mean you don't actually bang your head or anything, and you say smart stuff that they seem to understand. But sometimes you stand too close, or talk too long, or move around in a way that seems strange to them.

You are told that you must play with them. Play with as many of them as possible, even if you feel safer alone. It's called mainstreaming. It's very important to the educational establishment on this planet. But when you play, they touch you when you don't expect it, with their sandpaper hands. Maybe if you make the rules, you would know what to expect. Then they call you bossy. And that you stand too close. Or say funny things. The other kids don't want to play with you anymore.

Some of them tease you. They tell you it's okay to take your pants off in public, because they can tell that you don't know the rules. You do what they say, you're supposed to play with them after all. Then everyone laughs and you think you're the life of the party, for a brief time.

Everyones laughs too loud. They talk too loud. The lights are even loud. Everyone runs around with bullhorns and it hurts your ears when they speak. Sometimes when they get angry with you (and it happens a lot but you don't know why) they get even louder and then you think they might kill you. Especially when you do things like hit someone for making you hurt, or taking your pants off in the cafeteria. You really believe they might kill you. Sometimes people have said "I could just kill you". Then when they grab you with their sandpaper hands, it really hurts. And the world swirls around you. And you feel sick. And you have no control, and you feel so afraid, because on this strange planet when you get upset and you don't understand, you get that fight or flight feeling and it's so hard to make it stop.

On this planet when you feel like people are going to kill you, you are supposed to stay calm. But it's really hard. It's like someone is pushing your head under the water and they can't hear you struggle and scream. You don't know if they will ever let you go, you need to breathe, you are drowning. Calm down. Don't panic. Other kids are swimming. You might scare them if you scream and fight.

Sometimes these grown-ups at school sound very calm when they are angry. Sometimes they get very loud when they are happy. You can't tell when people are being nice anymore. You kind of have your mom and dad figured out. And your home feels very safe. You're not an alien there. But here, it's hard to know when they are really trying to hurt you. So sometimes you try to defend yourself. Maybe grab a paddle, or push somebody, or try to run. Sometimes they catch you. Sometimes they cuff you. Sometimes they put you in jail for kids.

They don't find you a safe, private place to go to get used to this planet before immersing you in it. They won't give you time to learn the language before they expected you to speak it. They don't take the great amount of time that is needed to teach you the rules before they charge you with breaking them. They never ask you if you like being hugged before they do it. You're just supposed to like being hugged around here. They never take the time to find out that pushing you into a corner makes you feel like you're in a cage and that you have to fight and escape. They do this a lot.

They say you have no respect for authority. So they don't really want to help you. Well, not until the paperwork comes in and says that you are officially from another planet. It has to be a planet that is in their solar system. Then they have rules about how to treat your species.

Most of the time you are the only person from your planet. Your planet is named after you. It is you. But that would mean you were an individual. Schools don't have rulebooks for individuals. You try to tell them who you are. Even though you have a hard time with their language. You use signs and behaviors to communicate. These behaviors can get you in trouble sometimes. Because they are extreme. You are extreme. You hear people talking about you, and studying you, and questioning you, and reprimanding you. And you practically live in the office.

Nothing makes sense. Most of the time you just want your mom. Hopefully, she's not mad at you for all the things you've done.