One Woman and a Shovel

This little corner in our landscaping was just busted up red rock. I think it was supposed to look like lava rock, but it just wasn't pretty.

This morning I decided to look up how to build a frog pond. To build a frog pond you just need a dig a very shallow space that you fill with lilies and water. Eventually the little froggies move in.

We had heard a rumor that some former owners had a frog pond here and filled it in because it got too loud. This corner is right in front of what was a little girl's room, so I can imagine it bothered her. Now, my little girl is in that room and she is not bothered in the least by the sound of frogs, the feel of frogs, or their taste when she kisses them on the lips. Right now she has some bullfrog tadpoles that she collected at the grand's, so maybe they can live in there when the water's right.

I am so digressing.

I started digging at 8am. By about 9:30 I began to discover some huge river rocks under there. By 10 when Ray came out to see me he said "Wouldn't it be funny if you dug up the old pond?" By 10:15, I was finding stones in patterns of circles with spaces beneath them that I could shine a flashlight into.

I don't think it was a frog pond that they dumped all those stones into. It's deep and wide enough to be a koi pond.

I'm not finished pulling out stones, but I may need a pain reliever, and I definitely need a shower.

It's funny how I never seem to have the energy to carry the folded laundry up the stairs, but get me curious about something, and there's no end to the heavy labor I will do to get to the bottom of it.

Oh,Deer.

It's very interesting what my dog can find to play with on the Grandparents' property. Yep, there's a hoof on the end of that. I don't know where the leg's previous owner is, but I have a feeling he's not getting around much anymore.

Speaking of Feng Shui

Apparently the wisdom center of my living room is a shoe closet. Guess I need to get me some smarter pairs.

More Than I Thought They Could Handle

Yesterday my mother called at about 1:00 to tell me to turn on Sundance Channel and see these little boys in Africa doing some kind of routine involving dumbbells. Well, I missed it, but I left the TV on that channel, and left to clean my room. I popped in and saw that Josie was watching a sub titled program about illegal immigrants called "Wetback". It showed young people from Central America who were trying to cross into Mexico. Touching on police brutality, the dangers of jumping trains, rampant urban crime and gangs.

Of course it was Sundance, so the sympathy was for the illegal immigrants, some that crossed the Rio Grande at the end, and we talked about that sympathy, and how important it is to be compassionate to people who suffer. We also talked about how these people were breaking the law, and that sometimes laws seem harsh, but they are there to protect us. I told her some of the bad people who were hurting the good people in Mexico and Central America can come over our border too, so that's why our border patrol sends people back. The program was favorable to our border patrol, showed them to be respectful to the people they detain, as opposed to the Mexican police who beat and robbed two of the immigrants in the documentary.

Anyway, I was shocked she sat through the whole thing and really took it in.

Later some friends came over and we watched the show about Oprah's school for girls in South Africa. I'm not sure any of the kids understood the significance of the school to the little girls, or how those girls suffered in their own lives. We were trying to make the point to our children that they should appreciate their blessings. When you have a daughter who breaks into tears because you tell her it's time to go to the grocery store, you need a bit of ammuniton too. Maybe the show will marinate in their subconcious for a while and come out in a couple of years when they're developmentally able to understand it.

I went to Blockbuster and picked up "The Prestige" and we all watched it. Yes, Grandparents, the children sat through the whole thing. I'm certain they didn't get all the plot twists (I sure didn't), but afterwards Jake was talking his head off about electricity. He was a little outraged at one point during the movie asserting that "Magic is not real!" When it was apparent some real magic had occured.

I never expect my kids to have any attention span. That's unfortunate for them, because if I whittle down their education to suit what I believe they can handle, then it's like I'm spoonfeeding them. That's starving my children.

P.S. Dharma's coming over today to help me Feng Shui my house. I've been reading a book, and apparently I'm cutting the Chi's all over the place.

Don't Look Down!

Thought this was a cute little picture of my daughter and her current choice of reading materials. Notice the front says "Don't Look Down!". Just a clever warning that she might just be a girl.

"Ann Overboard!"

As a "conservative", for lack at the moment for a more appropriate word, I have to make the admission that we often crawl all over ourselves to prove to our "liberal" friends that we're nice people, who care for animals, plant trees, love our gay cousin Fred, drive a hybrid etc. Crap! I've even worn through a pair of Birkenstocks! Oh, the shame! (I won't get into the fact right now that I do not believe there are very many dyed in the wool liberals or conservatives out there. Most of us are individuals, and if we sit down long enough find that we agree on most fundamental things and just go about getting those things in a different way).

Anyway, sometime in the past 20 years or so the party of Abolition, Suffrage, and Civil Rights got tired of apologizing for itself and letting the other side define us, and started slinging the mud in the opposite direction. I don't know if this is a wise way to fight this war of ideologies, but some of that mudslinging is funny. Unless someone who speaks for me, starts slinging the really dirty kind of mud, and it gets on me, and I try to wash it off, and it leaves a stain, and I think people see it, you get what I mean.

Most humor comes from pointing out everyday people's little hypocrisies. Like the fact that the same people who are always demanding tolerance for other religious beliefs love to drive around with little fish with legs on their bumper. I think it's cute in a way, but it is hypocritical, why not wrap a pork rind around the star of David while you're at it? Oh, wait, that would be anti-semitic, and not really very funny. Sorry.

This is where Ann Coulter comes in. I guess she decided somewhere along the way to expose the hypocrisy of those who decry "First Amendment, First Amendment!" every time someone wants to do something rude and offensive to traditional folks, and then turn around and demand you go to rehab whe you say something that offends them. So she said something really rude. And not funny. So Ann yelled "Faggot" in a crowded theater, and some people got really bruised up trying to be the first one to the exit door. I'm sure it was entertaining to her. She loves this kind of controversy. Watching someone have a cardiac infarction over a the utterance of a word is usually high-comedy.

She's been making it her business for a while to throw verbal pies at her opponents. And for a while it was hi-larious. In the meantime she made some excellent points too. And her sharp wit is matched by no one. But this week she threw a real shit-pie and she knew what it was when she baked it up, this wasn't a gaffe, botched joke, or faux pas, she intentionally tossed that pie out there, and it got on everybody. I don't want that stuff on me.

She also gave the opposition ammunition for about 2800 news cycles, and I'm going to have to listen to that too.

One thing that's nice about the Republican Party (and at the moment there aren't very many nice things I can say), is that when somebody in the party says something "not funny", we generally condemn it. See Trent Lott, who was just confused IMHO. We don't have republicans in the Senate that were Klan wizards (Byrd), or folks who let their girlfriend drown in four feet of water because they were worried about their political future, and then have the nerve to buy a Portuguese water rescue dog and name him "Splash" (Kennedy). We have a few buffoons on our side, but you generally find that they are widely scolded for their buffoonery, and the media reports it, and they get on TV and apologize for it etc.

See the nice thing about the First Amendment, is that although it gives you the right to say any damn thing you want, it doesn't give you freedom from censure.

I don't think she should apologize to me. But I certainly won't defend her for what she said. She has the right to think it and say it. But she's not speaking for me anymore. I have the right to walk away any time I please, and as soon as my fellow denouncers manage to cram their way through the exit doors and come out like ground beef on the other end, I will be right behind.

On Vanishing

It's pretty late right now, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I don't journal my thinking a bit. And I thought maybe the things I'm thinking about will be beneficial to others, so I'll just put it out there on this little blog.

Lately, I've been sensing that something in me is vanishing. I've been getting the sense that I've neglected a part of me that I used to nourish before marriage and family and the unconventional choices I've made surrounding my children. I also have regrets about all the things I didn't finish or pursue; like my degree, a career, my art, my singing. I've been scared that there's a part of me that never really grew and it's already beginning to die.

So I've been saying to myself that I should never stop learning and striving. I should keep searching for that place where that part of me can continue to live. At the end of my life, I should be proud of how I lived, I should have found the answers, had some success and somebody should have something to say about me, otherwise what's the point?

That made sense to me, but at this moment I'm having a little epiphany.

What if tomorrow I couldn't sing? Well, lots of people can't sing and get along just fine. Singing is really a small thing after all, and I feel that there are a few musical family members that have passed who would forgive me for that sentiment. Why? Because there are so many ways to communicate love, and hopes and dreams besides singing. I'm not a bird after all. I'm a person with the power of speech.

What if tomorrow I couldn't speak? Thankfully, I write pretty well. I'm good at conveying emotions on paper, and getting my needs met would be easy if I had someone in range of my paper airplanes.

I'm also very good at drawing. I could make money that way. I already have done that. I draw people's children mainly. We all want to see someone we love all mapped out in pencil. There's something touching about it. That's why I do it.

But what if I lost the use of my hands and could no longer write, draw, work or speak? You know what my first worry would be? How could I let my family know I love them? That I'm so glad I'm not alone?

If I couldn't speak or sing or write or draw (or blog) I would still exist. I wouldn't vanish. You know why? Because I have my family. I have a husband who would still talk to me, even if I couldn't speak. I have children that would be close to me even if I couldn't chase them down. I have friends that would stick around even if I wasn't cracking them up. I know a few who have been there when I wasn't so funny.

See, the reason I want to sing, is to sing to somebody. I could sing to strangers, which I enjoy, and they can go home and forget me. I would have some attention. I would have a hobby. I would have a little thing that energizes me. Is writing a song for my husband less worthwhile? It's certainly not "blogworthy". Neither is writing a letter to my son and putting it in the mailbox for him to find, or drawing a blue jay for my daughter to put on her wall. It wouldn't matter to a lot of people. But it would sure matter a lot to the people that matter to me.

I've been so busy playing that nasty tape of fantasy, shame and regret to really tune in to the world around me, and I have been vanishing. I haven't been talking or listening or engaged. "What?" That's been my word lately. It's like I've been in a dream.

And tonight I had a moment when I realized something that seems so true about life, and helps keep things in perspective.

If I fell down at the end of it all because I had exhausted myself finding ways to feed my ego, at the expense of those who loved me, nothing I had ever done would make sense, because I never completely imprinted myself on anyone's heart, that's when I would truly vanish.

All Out of Whack

This past couple of months I've been walking around confused in my house and it's really starting to get to me.

In December we decided to replace our kiitchen countertops, appliances, and cabinets. Things moved along pretty smoothly and we received our cabinets on January 12th. The first cabinet out of the box was damaged, and the installers wouldn't begin until all of the cabinets were at the site, so we would have to have cabinets sitting all around our living room for about 3 more weeks. The actual install of the cabinets happened on February 9th. Not all the cabinets though. They couldn't hang the corner wall cabinets or anything attached to them until after the countertops were installed.

The Silestone guys came to measure around the 11th of February. After the template is made, it takes about 3 or 4 weeks to get your countertops installed. About 10 days after the man came out to make the template, the store called to tell me I owed $62 and the countertops would not be made until overages were paid. Okay. So the install date on the countertops is March 15th.

In the meantime we have been going up and down the stairs to make dinner and do the dishes. Ray gave in and temporarily installed the cooktop, but we have no kitchen sink right now. We do have a tiny one in the basement, which we have been using.

All of this is very inconvenient.

I don't believe in quantum physics at the moment, but I do think there is some merit to this Feng Shui thing. My toilets aren't working right, our computer is acting up, our printer/scanner has stopped working and my camera is falling apart. There's a strange smell in my daughter's room that I can't locate to clean. Lately, my dog has been running off when we open the door to let her in. The roomba keeps shutting down at weird times. And I'm tired tired tired.

I know. Somewhere there's a baby in Darfur crying for me.

I'm moving my couch tomorrow. Wish me luck.

What?

Hey all my homeschooling homies! Apparently our parental authority to educate as we please is being undermined again! Isn't this infringing on our freedom to assemble?

ATTACK ON HOME SCHOOL GROUPS In the last week we have had a rush of complaints from home school organizations from across the state. Home schools traditionally produce some of the best and brightest kids who achieve high results in the real world. As you may or may not know home school students are starting to team up and are becoming a more powerful group. They are starting to come together and do things like start sports teams and clubs that meet and interact with other more traditional students. Some home school groups and students have also been meeting in churches and Sunday school classrooms to get specialized teaching by a specialist in a common field of interest. An example might be a group of ten or fifteen home school students gathering together to hear a presentation or be taught about nuclear science from a nuclear scientist from Oak Ridge. I did a discussion one day about how our state government works for a similar group. Lately though these groups have come under attack. Codes inspectors have begun to shut these groups down in mass. The reason given is that when they meet they become "a school" and the churches and Sunday school class rooms that they meet in don't meet code for schools. Forget that these same rooms are much more packed every Sunday for church or Sunday school classes. Expect to hear more about this as time progresses. posted by TheRep @ 8:56 AM

This is from Rep. Stacey Campfield's blog.

In Principle, I'm Just Uncertain.

Okay. I'm reading "Entangled Minds-Extrasensory Experiences in a Quantum Reality" By Dean Radin. I really shouldn't try to understand everything. But this quantum mechanics idea is supposed to be so freaking mindblowing that when I understand it, I'm supposed to be able to walk clean through the kitchen wall and rearrange my atoms at the other side. Because that's how nature really works on the atomic level. Unless somebody's watching, that is.

Did you know that single electrons shot from an electron gun through two slits in a screen line themselves up at the end of the day as if they had all gone through at the same time and interfered with each other? If you're observing them they act as if they are totally unmotivated to line up. And at the end of the day they are all scattered. But if you're not in the room, they behave.

This has something to do with the fact that light is both wave and particle, and it's also possible that light just doesn't understand the traditional concept of time. It may also be true that light is a bit oppositional and defiant, and doesn't like your beady little eyes.

But these facts correlate with the well- understood Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle:




which in laymans terms from the Uncyclopedia can be stated like this:

"After being virtually unknown by all humans for about 99.9999999% of their existence, atomic particles have become very shy. If they sense they are being watched, they won't do their usual tricks, just like that frog that simply won't sing broadway show tunes when I show him to somebody else."

Unfortunately for me it is bedtime, and I will probably wake up at 3am with animated frogs singing showtunes dancing around my bed. Wearing new black top-hats of course. In the quantum world, it happens all the time, when no one's watching.

Little Blond Ibuprofen Girl and Other Troubling Developments

Last night I sent a very long detailed email to a homeschooling friend of mine who loves to draw. It was a list of four very interesting self-portrait ideas. Somehow the email didn't show up in my outbox, so I typed it again. Once again it didn't show up. So I poured myself a glass of wine and tried to breath deeply in through my nose out through my mouth.

Okay. I'm over it. Until I wake up at 3am because the cat thinks it's a grand time to go rummaging through the bags in the closet. In trying to get to sleep, my mind starts racing about the email. Wondering why she didn't receive it. Wondering how she would draw this or that. Imagining how I would draw my own self-portrait using only objects. Then I imagined various ways I could position my mother's old baby-doll in front of a mirror, in a puddle of spilled milk, with a gigantic pink bow taped to her head, with a noose around her neck and a bottle of Nyquil poured all over her.

Eventually I fell asleep. Kind of. Those who know me well know I'm a waking dreamer. Once upon a time, I even answered the phone when my father called one morning only to discover that my legs had decided to go back to bed before I did, and I had to drag myself back to the phone cradle ... "Uh, Daddy, blrglglglglgooglgb..." That was really weird. But the weirdest thing that happens to me usually happens on a night I take Ibuprofen. I'll get up to go to the bathroom and I'm really in a fog and I hear my name, and there's usually a little blond girl by my bed. Once after Josie was born there was a train in my hallway, and a wolf in my closet, and I thought Josie was sandwiched between the mattress and box springs. But when I'm not your regular post-partem nutcase, I'm just your average middle of the night hallucinator. Well, I digress. I got pretty used to the little blond ibuprofen girl, to the point I would just sweep my hands around and push her away so I could get back in bed. Last night while I was un-sleeping she was there again, but she's grown up a little. She was wearing a hat too. And it looked like she had a boyfriend, but he disappeared before I could make him out. I got a little scared, but my body was concrete and all I could do was breathe really hard and hope that would wake my dear hubby up so he could slap me. But he kept snoring.

Then the dog wanted out. So I got up and let her out and realized why she peed in her kennel last night. The door from the porch to the yard had been closed when I let her out before I "went to sleep". So she didn't want to pee on the deck, and came back in and peed in her house. Poor doggy.

I tried to send that email again this morning. It didn't work. I tried to post a comment on another friend's blog. It didn't work either. Don't tell me to go back to bed. You know better than that.

Psychic Nonsense?

I got a book called Entangled Minds by Dean Radin. He was on Oprah talking about how psychic phenomena is no longer considered superstition but studies in quantum physics have made skeptics take a second look. Well, having had a few premonitions and truly spooky dreams where I'm speaking to lost loved ones and such, I thought it would be fun to take some online tests that Dean Radin has created. It's at GotPsi.com if you want to check it out and let me know how you did.

I really sucked at the card game. You had to choose among five cards to find the one that had the picture on the opposite side. When only able to choose the one card, I was right about 30% of the time. When the test allowed you to keep flipping cards until you found the picture, I usually flipped all of the cards before I found the image.

So laughingly, I moved on to the next game. It was remote viewing. I did really well at this. They show you a gray box and you are suppposed to imagine what shapes and images are going to show up in it when you press the button. There is a list to choose from. The first image I imagined was a house and a sky, but the shapes I selected were angles, and I didn't see any people in this image. The actual photo that popped up was a kitchen, and the prominent shapes and images I chose were 89% right on. Next I imagined a river and trees. The photo was really of a castle surrounded by water. Next I imagined two people next to a building. The photo was of a guard at buckingham palace with a tall red guard station behind him. It was about 8 feet tall and really skinny and red. He was up against a wall. I got an 89% on that one too. Of course I got a few 62% and 32% too. But a really startling thing happened in the 8th trial. I was imagining a fluffy white rabbit in the snow. It was curled up in a ball, and looking straight at me. Instead I got fruit. That one was way off I thought, so in the next trial I tried to go all Zen and not think of anything specific, just pick shapes and colors and images off the list sort of willy-nilly. The photo that popped up was a white rabbit running in the snow. Now what are the chances of that, really?

So if you're always walking around sensing Juju off people, or you've got hunches and intuitions, or you dream your late Grandpa Joe tells you what's coming up in world events, take the test and see how you do.

Update: These tests are designed for average folks who claim to have no special abilities. My hubby (whose psychic predictions extend only to the belief that he will singlehandedly save the Universe from the coming Zombocolypse) scored a 97% on his first trial of remote viewing. He pictured a big tire and a black background with no people. The actual image was of a classic car with a black background. So there you go.

Some Art for Soldiers

This is a butterfly Josie made for our soldier in Afganistan. She made it so he can hang it from the ceiling. He's a paratrooper, and we're calling him Paratrooper Neil so we can remember him. I told the kids that he jumps out of planes. He sent us a letter and told us he would send along a photo of the guys in his unit.


Were going to send this one to Paratrooper Neil as well. It's a little poem from Jake. We are getting excited about spring coming and thought they would like to see a little spring too. There's a bird in that knothole in the tree.

Here's a tree for you from Tennessee,

Here's a bird to you from me.

This card is from Jake to Sgt. Tina. She took a lot of time to tell us about where she is and what she does. We took a lot of time to make this card for her. It was a collaboration between Jake and me. He needs a lot of extra help and attention when it comes to crafts. He wanted to be sure that Sgt. Tina knew he cared after I explained to them how important our letters are and told them about "morale", and what it means to have high morale. He made the purple rose, and all the little leaves. He put the wings on the bee, and drew the ladybug. He made sure that the green field had blades of grass and he put one of the flowers in there. I did all of the cutting and glue-ing.


This is my favorite. I love Josie's little pop-up cards. We're going to send this one to Sgt. Tina. There's a beehive, two trees and a skunk. Josie likes skunks and feels sorry for them because she thinks other people don't like them very much. She also thought Sgt. Tina would like to see some water. Tina wrote us and told us that the Iraqis think that birds bring good fortune, so she included lots of birds.

Tonight I'll go out and get the proper sized envelopes. Tomorrow we'll make cards for some "any soldiers" and send them along to the same locations.

I love doing this.

Anybody else out there who wants to send letters and supplies, here's the link to anysoldier.com.

What the Heck is that Thing?

This is a nutria.

This is the thing I saw swimming around in the Fountain City Duck Pond.

I thinkthe thing in Fountain City is a muskrat, because although it is pretty icky, I didn't get that feeling looking at it that you get when you step on a camel cricket barefoot in the middle of the night.

I wanted to look up the nutria because I had never heard of one before, and I read about it on Dilbertblog. Some man thought another man was this particular water rodent and shot him in the head. He lived. I'm troubled by this story because it concerns me that these creatures may still be swimming around unshot in that area. I know. You're thinking "Michele, I've seen you kiss your rats on the lips! How can you judge what is disgusting?"

You know how you tell a nutria from a muskrat? You look the creature over, and if

IT HAS NIPPLES ON IT'S BACK

you know it's a nutria.

Josie asked me "Did God make that Mama?

I replied "Absolutely not."

Checking In

Just checking to see if my account works. Google thinks I'm somebody I'm not, and refuses to sign me in as myself. A whole online identity crisis. Another problem is when I try to post images and links I get HTML. When I try to post it like that I get told there is an error. When I try to get help, they need my password. But it's not my password, it's his password, and I don't know his password, cause I'm not him dammit.

Oh! Just noticed I was on the edit html page instead of the compose page. That makes all the difference! Thank you for patiently sitting with me while I ramble on idiotically.

Stay tuned for my post on the nutria. One of God's weirder creations, with pictures.

Sheesh! Bless You Kid!

5 Non-Connected Ponderings About Random Stuff

1.) Due to the lack of socialization and isolation that most homeschooled kids experience, my children will only be making 23 valentines a piece this year.

2.) One of the most difficult things to find is a sugar-free, soy-free, wheat-free, gluten-free, dye-free, and dairy-free Valentine cupcake. "Hey kids! I brought some clear paraffin lollies! Anyone allergic to wax? Hey Amberleigh! Don't eat those crayons! YELLOW NUMBER 5!"

3.) I see things in a glass- half- full way. When the tax man comes be grateful you have an arm and a leg to give.

4.) If you know you owe the IRS and you live in Tennessee, make sure you do your taxes between Monday and Saturday. Sunday the liquor stores are closed.

5.) If you're getting a tax return, screw you.

Numbers are Colors

It's called color-graphemic synesthesia, and it's the most common type of synesthesia. I think my daughter has it. Lately she's been saying the strangest things. Yesterday she told me that February was her favorite month. I asked her if it was because of Valentine's day. She said no to that and told me that she likes February because it makes her think of the number 16, and she loves that number. I didn't ask her what color 16 is to her, because I didn't know she was associating months with numbers and colors...but it just seemed like one of her autistic-like behaviors so I went on and didn't think about it. Today she was doing her math and 750 was the answer. She was happy about that because apparently 750 is also one of her favorite numbers. She told me that it made her think of her favorite colors, blue and orange, and that they are complimentary. I think 50 is blue and 7 is orange. 16 is hot pink and so is February, naturally. I don't think I want to tell her that other people don't think of colors when they see numbers or hear the name of a month. I'll continue to investigate it covertly, without her realizing that she is different in some way, and I don't want her to start making things up for attention. That's not part of her personality though.

If You Love A Geek

These dudes may sound familiar.

Whoops.

If it's an anti-capitalist summit, why are they charging starving people $7 a plate? I guess if you want some evil capitalist pig to donate his dirty money to your cause you have to have some starving children around, you know, some really desperate ones.

Tell me. Who paid for the seeds that grew into food? Who bought it? Who processed it? Who prepared it? I would bet there was a merchant involved somewhere. The same evil capitalists that donate to causes all over the world to help these kids...while socialist elites congratulate themselves over wine and cheese.

Dissection Kit

This set only costs about $40! I thought this kind of thing would be way more expensive. You get a fetal pig, frog, perch, crayfish, grasshopper, clam, starfish, and whatever a Grantia is, you get one of those too. The kit includes the book and all of the tools for dissecting. There is a set of nine animal specimens for about $14. I know some kids who would love to come over for a creepy little science party at my house.

Letters to Any Soldier

These are the things we sent yesterday. The soldiers like getting drawings and handwritten letters and I figured the kids would really enjoy this project. I wrote a little page of rules for writing letters to soldiers -giving them ideas on what to say and what not to say. On Monday we sent some drawings and Josie made a little card that has little flowers with smiley faces that pop-up when it's opened. I sent a lot of hygeine products to one unit that had only a few women and were suffering from a lack of these necessary things. It also gave me a chance to explain to Josie what they were for, which, not surprisingly, she took in stride. To another unit we sent a bunch of snacks and candy and fitness magazines. Next time we do this, I'll have the customs forms filled out before we get in line at the post office. It was a feel-good project we will do again.

Cringeing Through American Idol

I admit to never having seen American Idol before this season. Not a big admission, I admit. Anyway, I've discovered that I am a nervous eater. The way my kitchen is laid out makes it possible for me to stand behind the pantry door and eat Doritos and I can still peek around the dividing wall in the kitchen and catch half of the TV screen. That makes the train wreck a bit less gory. Now I need to figure out how to half-plug my ears while eating Doritos and poking my head out occasionally. This is also the method I've begun to employ when watching State of the Union addresses.

Roomba

Well, it's official. When it warms up a bit, I'm shaving my dog bald. The roomba works really well on hardwood floors. So far we could build about three medium sized bunnies with all the hair we have had to dump out of the thing, even with me brushing the dog every day and discarding at least two handfuls. My kids look like Yetis and I can't keep a lint remover roll for more than two weeks.

Today's Project

Today I am going to get two addresses from anysoldier.com for lessons in following directions, writing, math, and social studies.

1.We'll find out what items our soldiers need and want, go to the store and get boxes for mailing.

2.For math, we'll estimate how many items we can fit in that box, then we'll add up the weights of the items with a calculator to come up with how many ounces we have, divide by 16 to get lbs, and go online to print postage.

3.For writing, the kids will think up some nice things to say to their soldier and do a little art.

4. For a bit of logic, we may do a little study in understanding by helping them figure out why our soldier may want particular items like baby wipes, foot powder, or water flavoring packets.

5. For some geography and social studies, we'll locate on a map the country in which our soldier is stationed, then later today when they are doing other things I will try to find out about the positive things that are being done by our military and civilians in that area, and at dinner tell the kids what I've learned.

Update: Can't print the postage online. Have to fill out a customs form at the post office. This little project is taking us all day. I'm not complaining though, there are worse things than standing in line at post offices and filling out forms.

Brooms Make Good Kindling

Yesterday I was complaining about all the pet hair in the house. I told Ray that I had resigned myself to vacuuming twice a day, and brushing the animals once a day. This morning he went to Sear's and got me an early birthday present. He couldn't wait to give me my gift, so I allowed this. Yay! I got me a good man. It's charging. I'll be letting you know how it's working. Maybe we'll have a broom-burning party!

Little Miss Sunshine

So I rented it and watched it in bed. What a great movie. The soundtrack was so intriguing, I bought it. Here's the site for the soundtrack. Listen to "'Til the End of Time". Devotchka is from Denver (I wonder if my Colorado cousin has been to see them?) The other song that I heard on Amazon is called "Dearly Departed" and it's on another album How it Ends ( which I also purchased). It's number 8.

Anyway, forgive me if I'm late discovering this band. Too much talk radio.

Okay, it's late, and I'm sick, and I need to go to bed. I have been getting my fluids though, if 32oz of Afrin counts as water.

Just Cause You Got Money, Don't Mean You Got Taste

If I had a bunch of readers, I would open a competition to name these butt ugly jeans. I think the name Butt Ugly Jeans would be fitting. You should see the butt on them. I didn't think Nordstrom would thrust these abominations on an unsuspecting public.

Maybe the zipper hooks to your bra? Or you cut some holes in the pockets and put your arms through for quick DIY overalls? Or maybe they're made like that to protect you from wedgies. There's just no way they can go any higher.

"We at Nordstrom do not want to give our customers the impression that we actually like these jeans, or that our model enjoyed wearing them, so we paired them with some nifty geriatric tan flea market mocs. We also made sure to choose the can i go now? pose for the model as if she were planning to run away at any moment, leaving the jeans behind her. We are selling them for 130 dollars a pair though, because we figure if you're fool enough to like them, you probably shouldn't be responsible for too many big bills."

Photos by Carie Thompson

Our kitty Sammy

Me and my Jake

Nellie the family dog.

Petey the Rat. He's cute. You just have to get past your prejudices and quit being so narrow- minded.

Moi et Petey.

Mi Amore.

I'll let you see my darling daughter's hair.

Dancing.

A flower for you.

Non-Stop Video Games

If I didn't limit their video game playing, I think they would become cyborgs. I heard a Canadian comedian on the satellite radio, Johnny Munro, who was talking about babysitting his nephew who was a little video game addict. Roughly....

"So I decided to try a little psychology with him. I told him I had a brand-new, 3-D, virtual reality game for him, then I strapped some ski-googles on him and sent him outside. I guess the joke was on me though, two hours later the cops show up and he'd already stolen a car and beaten up a hooker."

Well at least my kids are off the streets.

Rudyard Kipling's "Just So" Stories

I very truly must make a high recomendation to all my families to read some Just So Stories aloud to their most 'satiable curtious children. Specially the one about the Elephant and how he got his trunk by the great- green- greasy Limpopo river. Have a little spot of hot tea next to you when you do this, because it is most very 'ceedingly difficult to say some of the long-windy words. When you read how the Leopard got his spots, you can also learn how the Etiopian decided to turn brown. Truly, best Beloved, it is most 'ceedingly fun.

Making a Mountain out of a Mole

Michelle Malkin has excised something insignificant that got all blown out of proportion by the White House press corps, who apparently have nothing better to investigate.

I think Laura Bush may be constipated. Let's hold a press conference and get a proctologist here quickly. We need to see her latest colonoscopy. We have questions, lots of questions.

The hilarity of the situation is that if Mrs. Bush became a spokeswoman for squamous cell carcinoma, the press would be all over Tony Snow interrogating him about whether this was an important health issue, and why the First Lady wasn't out campaigning against Aids in Africa with Bono or something.

Our Trip to the Nursing Home

Today our little co-op went to the nursing home to visit and pass out Christmas cards. The look on the patients' faces will stay with me for a long time. Many of them took a while to recognize that there was a little person in front of them. But then a kid would put a card in their hand (or drop it in their lap) and say Merry Christmas. That empty look would leave some of their faces, and Grandpa or Grandma would emerge for a short while and they would smile and say "Well, bless your heart" or "Merry Christmas" or "You come back any time and see Nanny, okay?". A few of the patients would just smile.

One lady I won't forget for a long time. She was walking slowly down the hall with an aid beside her and two of the kids went running up to her and handed her their cards. We were all standing outside a room where an old woman who seemed to be pretty lucid was giving away free hugs to our littlest member (two). When the children came back to us, the walking lady followed. Tears were streaming down her nose, and she just stood among us crying like that. She asked for more cards, and the kids just kept giving them to her.

While we were waiting for the world's slowest elevator to carry us down a floor, the kids were singing "Jingle Bells". A very hunched-over woman with a walker sang the whole thing with us, rocking a little, and grinning.

Our trip ended with some boisterous tree-climbing in the front yard. A man in the lobby watched them the whole time.

I so truly wish them all a Merry Christmas, and pray that they have families that will visit them often. If not, I hope our loud, irreverent little kids helped just a little.

As an aside: Old people need little kids around, and little kids need to be there for them too, and all of us in the middle need to make sure that happens, whether our hearts can take it or not. (I mean, the kids were happy, the elderly patients seemed happy to have them, and here I am crying about it.)

Homeschooling for the Bloody Capitalist

The real world is a place where people get paid for their labor. I've decided my kids will get paid for theirs too. For the kids should enjoy learning and doing for its own sake crowd, please start formulating your arguments now, and I heartily promise to ignore them.

From now on if my kids read 10 books, come and tell me about all of them, choose one and write a good one page book report about it they get $5. If it is an especially neat page of writing, they get an extra $1.

If they learn their times tables and take a test and pass, they get $3 for each test passed. They can only take one test a week. There will be no test on 1x. Duh.

They will have to pay me for TV time and computer and playstation time. 50 cents for each 30 minute increment. Educational TV and computer is free. If they write a page about what they learned on TV or on the PC, then they receive $2.

For Jake a day without whining or screaming nets him $2. If he does either of these things he pays me $2. I will keep a sheet on this so if he goes in the hole, he'll have a little lesson on credit and collections.

Same for Josie about using a nice tone of voice.

From now on they buy all of their toys and candy themselves. Christmas doesn't count. Gifts from Grandmas and Grandpas etc. don't count either.

Later, I may get into them taking a loan out from us in order to buy a big item if they don't have enough, but I think that's a concept more for the 11 and above crowd.

Fire away.

Roamin' Joe and J.C. Discover Florida

Greetings from the Atlanta Airport where we awaiteth our second flight at Delta Airlines gate 36B. We arriveth in Atlanta approximately 35 minutes after leaving Knoxville, and travelleth about 450 miles across the Atlanta Airport to get to our lonesome gate, located in a janitor's closet. Despiteth the long-journey, the Christ Child and I did enjoyeth the tram, it sure beateth the donkey.
It seems Delta airlines prefereth J.C. to be seatetheth over the wing. Quite accustomed to seeing the landscapes from on high, he crieth not. The children did spy a manta ray in the water, and were well-pleased.

After our kind hosts' children enjoyeth a short nap, a delicious meal of lasagna, a trip to RonJon surf shop where provisions of a frisbee that gloweth and a bucket for sand were purchasedeth, we wearily proceededeth to the causeway to view the launching of the shuttle. Lil' J.C. and I haileth from a warm middle-eastern desert climate, and were quite pleased to know that Florida was a warm place too. Imagineth our surprise when the temperature droppeth to 50 degrees. We were unable to find clothes for the Christ Child, but again he crieth not. Our hosts girl-child found this exciting trip quite exhausting and began performing her best Linda Blair meets Charlie Babbitt impression while trying to pee in the bushes. We assured her that, being a good Lutheran, her Grandmother has not goneth over to the dark side and is not evil, an empty bladder is a joyful bladder, and if you don't want strangers bearing flashlights to shineth them on you in your most private of moments it is very important to shutteth one's pie-hole.



So freezing as we were, the elders were delighted to hear the sounds of a child's lullaby twinkling towards us. Hark? What cometh across the fields? A fine musical chariot carrying ice cream. What perfect timing.And lo, the boy child walketh away bearing a fudge-cicle, and the girl child contenteth herself with an eskimo bar. ( Lil' J.C. considereth purchasing an ice cream truck, for many suffering children did come unto it that night.)



Why are we in a bucket of sand do you ask? At the last moment of our suffering, NASA scrappeth the launch, and we returneth to a comfortable place upside-down in the soil. (The bucket did not sell.)
Our journey was not for naught. After a good night's slumber, and a breakfast of coffee cake we headeth out to Trappman's Market to buy some blue crab. We were comforted to learn that the fish were so fresh here that they had to slap them. Our gentile hosts greatly enjoy the meat of the crab. Fourteen were brought home in a cooler. The girl-child loveth the crab in a petly way, but alas she did submit to the wishes of her elders and placeth the crustaceans in a boiling pot. Later she gleefully cracketh the shells along with her less-animal attached brother and a great feast of stewed corn, shrimp, potatoes amd crabmeat was enjoyed by all.


It was a good and enlightening experience to be in Florida. We saw many feathered creatures of the air, that can not be seen in Tennessee. We spied spoonbills, egrets, cranes, and a small blue vireo. We chaseth an alligator into a pond, and scareth a great white crane who took wing above our heads in glorious flight. Our tribe also plucketh orange fruit straight from the tree and this morning as we write the juices floweth over our chin and sticketh on our neck. The childrens' mother forgetteth her camera often, but did not turn back, for she prefereth to view life through her eyes rather than through a lens. If thou desireth to see, thou must purchaseth thine own plane ticket.

Our journey is complete and we departeth with the lovely image of Izzy kissing a crustaceon. Verily, there are finer things in this world than the viewing of a shuttle. More shuttles will launch, and though we always look for moments with fire and great roaring flames that will be seared in our memories, it is truly the everyday delights that flicker by into the past without our notice that bring us happiness, then we find ourselves with a smile on our face and we hardly know why.

Trip to AMSE Grossology

It wasn't a program. It was a room full of interactive games. There was also a climbing wall that was supposed to look like skin. Kids were supposed to climb from the scab to the mole to the wart etc. There was a video game cabinet that had "Urine, the Game" written on it. Josie played it. The object of the game is to make sure the right things pass out with the urine. She made sure the sugar and the red blood cells stayed in the system. There was a giant animatronic talking faucet in a bathrobe with a perpetually dripping nose. We learned a lot of interesting things about mucus from him. I couldn't bring myself to play the Guess the Smell game. I saw the buttons to push though. One of them said "anus". Also we learned a bit about the process that causes one to vomit. If you push the buttons for brain, stomach, esophagus, and mouth in order, the cartoon character will blow chunks and the lucky kid recieves a standing ovation. The burp-maker was neat. Pump enough soda-pop into the inbred hick and he will burp for you. Pump some more and he will let out a long screaming fart. Very educational.

Also met some cool, down-to earth, homeschooling moms and their very pleasant children.

We're Going to Grossology

We'll be meeting a bunch of other homeschoolers there hopefully. I'll report back and tell you how it went. I may not actually watch the program though. I'm not much into gross.

Statue in My Yard

Why is St. Joseph so dirty? I didn't know this because I'm a Lutheran, but apparently Jesus' earthly father was a really good realtor. If you bury a statue of him upside-down in your yard and pray really hard your house will sell. St. Joseph (here with baby Jesus) was buried head- first in my front yard, and Jake found him this evening. The Catholic people sold the house to some Evangelicals in September of 2004, in June of 2005 the Evangelicals sold it to us. So it turned around twice within a year. I sure am glad that Jake found it and dug it up because I'm not interested in moving for a very long time.

My Latest Portrait

The requests for portraits really aren't rolling in this year, but that's okay. I can really take my time and enjoy them.

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Time for our yearly Charlie Brown Thanksgiving meal! We highly recommend on the night before Thanksgiving, gathering around the big screen in your jammies, preferably with a couple of little friends, and watching everyone's good buddy Chuck, while feasting on jelly beans, popcorn, toast, and pretzels. Get out and buy it now if you don't already have it! Turkey day comes only once a year, and you have to wait until Christmas to truly appreciate the next Charlie Brown Special.

Wii

It's another gadget. But I may like it. Josie is jumping around here and playing tennis. They also bowled a little. Dad was boxing. I was thinking they should come up with foot controllers that were in ankle weights, and wrist weights with controllers as well. Then you could do cardio kick boxing, dancing, savat, karate etc... No one steal my idea. This blog is dated November 19, 2006. Haha.

The $16,000 Annual Screw Private School Travel Fund

I was talking to someone last night who sent her kids to private school all the way through. I'm sure the private schools around here are better, but it's still a sterile learning environment where children sit in a classroom and absorb information. Even hands-on learning is pretty staged for lack of a better word. Kids learn about many things by assembling crafts and collecting items etc. Of course there are sports and social activities that a kid can't just happen upon without being on a school team too. So private school is a good thing overall, but is it worth $16,000 a year to send two kids to the Episcopal School? Is it possible to spend $16,000 in a more creative, fun, and educational way?

I've been surfing around for educational travel ideas for families this morning. Here are some exciting ways to spend that money.

We could take an eco-trip to Barbados for three days and nights where we can go whale-watching, see green monkeys (whatever they are), take a helicopter tour of the flower forests, go walking on nature trails, see waterfalls, and stay in a historical inn. All together that costs about $5000 including roud trip airfare. That would be a biggie, but we still haven't spent our $16,000 kitty. Yes, they can do their math on the plane or something. They can also journal what they've seen before they go to bed, and send letters to the friends and family about their adventures. They can learn all about Barbados and the islands before they go. It's nature, history, culture, etc.

On our next trip, we could drive to Chicago and stay with some charitable relatives, then depart later on an Amtrak train called the California Zephyr, which will take us through the most beautiful country-side in America. We can see mountains, prairies, lakes and wildlife, as we travel (somewhat uncomfortably for sure, in a family room) 34 hours to Salt Lake City where we can rent a vehicle and travel to Yellowstone National Park. During the travel portion of the trip, we can read about Teddy Roosevelt the great conservationist, study about rock formations, and the animals of Yellowstone, and we can take along our National Parks Coloring Book, oh, and suffer through a little more math (we must learn to carry that 1, you know) Once we get to Yellowstone, we'll stay at the Bar-N-Ranch in a one-room cabin for five days and do all there is to see and do for five days. We return on a flight from Salt Lake City. The whole trip costs about $4000. We still have $7000 left in our SPS Travel Fund.

Trip number three lasts one month. After purchasing and sttudying the books Road Trip USA: Cross Country Adventures on America's 2 Lane Highways, Little Museums: Over 1,000 Small and Not So Small American Showplaces, and Watch It Made in the USA: A Visitors Guide to the Companies that Make Your Favorite Products, we'll chart a course that we can follow in a rented standard RV. The RV rental is about $4500 with a $500 deposit. I'm sure the extra $2000 will come in handy as spending money, because we will be touring factories, hiking trails, walking museums, etc.

Those three trips used up about $16,000. I'm sure there are extra costs involved in all of these vacations, but I'm certain that there are also extra costs involved in sending two kids to a nice private school. That's just one year's tuition too. Imagine a stay-at-home-mom, who is fortunate enough to have that kind of money available planning travels like these for her kids for 12 years, instead of paying for a private education?

I doubt I would ever spend 16,000 a year travelling about with my kids, but once upon a time I enrolled both my kids in private school. It wasn't the Episcopal School, and it was half the price, but I could blog for you what I could to with $9000 in educational travelling expenses if you'd like.

(Hmmm. Do we really need that kitchen remodel?)

Neat Montessori Math Game

The game goes up to nine. I'll try it with them tomorrow. Maybe the rhyming will help them remember. I usually have to get out a calculator after I get above 6. So maybe it will help me too.

I Promise Promise Promise....part 2

Okay. Maybe I'll just try to post something when I can.

Fitness Update

Well, my persistent sore neck has cleared up a bit. Perhaps due to Dharma's warning that if I didn't quit whining she would take me in for a lumbar puncture. Loads of energy right now, and now maybe I could start running, since my nose isn't.

Rat Salad

Josie made a salad for the rats. It's snap peas, mozarella, pineapples, and grapes. She made a little hole in the box she salvaged from our recent flooring project and set the ramekin in it.

They seemed to like it.

Max liked it so much his eyes went opposite directions.

Back to the Lessons

Last night I bought a National Geographic Magazine. Not the one for kids. First thing this morning, Josie got up and read all about leopard seals, horseshoe crabs, debutantes in hoop skirts in Laredo, TX, and the discovery of an ancient hominid child's skeleton. She absorbed the whole thing. That covered reading, science, and social studies all in one swipe and she didn't even know it. And she didn't even hate it. I sat down and did some math with Jake, and then he read and I taught him how to write a book report. His handwriting has gotten a lot better and he's been adding swirls and curls to things just for fun. Josie also practiced her cursive by copying sentences that I wrote about what she had read in the National Geographic. Her kid's National Geographic is expiring this month, I may go ahead and get her a subscription to the regular one and I can enjoy it too.

OOH! Mom! Look at all the pine needles!

"Yes Josie. We can give those away to the next door neighbors!"

So I asked the Eskimo, "Would you care for a free bowl of snow?"

They have a retail location. It's a bit run down, but it's a start-up operation.

They know how to advertise.

They just don't know the laws of supply and demand.
(Time for that lesson in basic economics.)

I Promise Promise Promise....

I will post something every day. I've been slacking as of late in the writing department...but I would have to WRITE about what a slacker homeschooling mom I've been lately and that wouldn't be very brag or blog-worthy, now would it?