To Will Smith...

Dear Will,

First of all, let me say that I thought we had a good time. I especially enjoyed our conversation about the 70's R&B sound and how it should come back. I know I probably shouldn't have said what I said about rap. I was what propelled you to fame after all. But you were never gangsta, so I figured you knew what I meant.

I never expected things to end up in the bedroom. I do believe it was me who was showing you the door, when suddenly a good night kiss turned into something else.

But when my entire family came home and decided to walk through the room one by one, how can you blame me for that? They weren't even my family, just supporting actors. I did feel like I needed to go to the living room and let them know to mind their own business.

Then you came out and stood in the kitchen with your back turned to us and those ear muffs on and you were all of the sudden weary and dismissive. You turned to me with that endearing Will Smith smile and cut me to the bone. That thing you said about me being a flatterer, and about the hibachi you made and how nobody loves every single bite. First of all, I'm not a flatterer, and I think fame is sort of a mass hysterical people worship. Second of all, I don't really like hibachi all that much. Thirdly, you didn't even make me hibachi! What the hell are you talking about?

Things just got strange when you left. Standing there in the living room with Mimi Rogers, Peter McNichol, and Steve my old college roommate looking at the door, then looking at me. Then Oliver from the Brady Bunch reminded me that you still had my hearing protection on. I'll need those for Ladies Night at Coal Creek next Tuesday.

Anyway, I'm sorry it all ended up the way it did, but c'est la vie, I guess. Oh, and I'm married. You are too.

Best Regards,

Michele

P. S. I would like to know the name of that musician you were talking about earlier in the evening. I wrote it down, but somewhere between then and waking up I lost the piece of paper. So if you could do me the kindness of letting me know tonight, that would be great. It would save me a whole day of surfing Itunes. If you're still throwing a tantrum, well nevermind.

What Would Freud Say About This?

Now here's an interesting study. It seems to be another study to show that liberals have more intellectual layers than conservatives, or some such nonsense, but I'd like to use it as a jumping off point to talk about my conservative husband's dream world.

There are a few common varieties of dream. There's the anxiety dream, where you think someone chasing you or you showed up naked to your Chemistry class. There's the sexual dream of course where you're doing something unspeakable with someone un-nameable. There's the spiritual dream, where you feel as if you've connected the dots somewhere and you can see the future or the other side. Then there's the action-adventure dream. What? Never heard of it? Well, I know all about it.

Action adventure dreams are the only kind of dream he seems to have. I personally think he writes his dreams before he goes to sleep. If he doesn't, he could at least write some B-movie screen plays after he wakes up, he could probably make some extra money that way. While I dream of three-eyed pomeranian talking dogs from the hood, he's dreaming of killing zombies in a retro-future post apocolyptic world. When he wakes up in the morning and I ask him if he dreamt, I usually ask first "What model of firearm did you use last night?" or "what caliber?" Often I ask how many zombies he bagged, or whether Nazis factored in this time. This year it's zombies. Last year it was basic Saving Private Ryan type stuff. He's added a few "layers".

I guess I'm not making such a good arguement for the creative and many-layered conservative, am I? But he could be one of those guys who dreams about his Mommy drowning him, or his boss making him smoke cigars with a busload of cross-dressing priests, or travelling to the end of the rainbow only to find the Village People waiting for him, or something like that. He's just too confident to let his dreams tell him what to do with his sleep time. Hmm. Now I'm envisioning him shooting Zombie Village People. I'll tell him about it tonight and ask him how it worked out in the morning.

What Does This Dream Mean?

I'm in my house and I hear a scratching on the door. I go to investigate and discover a siamese pekignese(sp?) dog. Siamese as in co-joined. I guess then it was more like two dogs. On of the heads had this extra little eye a bit off to the side. Anyway, I let it in and give it some food. Then I decide that it probably belongs to the neighbor remembering that my neighbor has a mutant dog I think and send it back outside. OOOh, but I want to show my mom this weird dog, cause she lives with me I guess, along with a bunch of strange people who are like extras in my dreams. So I show my mom this five-eyed dog thingy, and explain to her that it is probably some incomplete twin thing and what did she think? But the dog wanted to say something. It had this real ghetto voice and it said "YO! All I wants is a place to sleep and eat! I ain't no trouble. I'll just live witchoo. AAhhh-iiiite?" So I let her come in and live with us.

So what do you think?