Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra.....

A conversation at lunch today:

"So Jake, what are you going to ask Santa for this year."

He licks his lips hopefully. Takes a deep breath and says "I want Dragonball Z Ultimate Battle 22 for Gameboy Advanced SP! "

What's my response?

"You'll shoot yer eye out kid!"



Here's a little Christmas Story clip for parents of kids on The Spectrum. No that's not my kid in the aviator glasses. She wouldn't be caught dead in a get up like that. She wears the red bellied woodpecker costume when she's waiting in line for Santa Claus.



Wizard of Oz is so passe in the Aspie community. This is what you're likely to hear from mine while she stands too close and stares too hard:

"I found a turtle. It was a Peninsula Cooter. They're rare. Turtles are my favorite."

Autism and Fever

And I'm not really ashamed that I used to like it when my daughter was sick. Now, she communicates in a much more back and forth way than she used to, but when she was under 6, people would have to listen to her make statements and try to reply with her talking over them about any subject she chose. Once, when she had pneumonia (at 5), she became a different kid. She would say things that made sense in the context of the situation. I could sit next to her and chat about what was on TV.

When I had her evaluated for Asperger's when she was 7, the psychologist asked me if my child seemed to communicate better when she had a fever. BING! YES! Can we give her a fever?!!! This fever/communication connection has been anecdotal in the autism community for a while, but now there's been a study done.

Bring on the Cytokines!

Hemi Sync and Autism

This technology has been used with kids with developmental disorders. I am definitely using it.

Here's the research so far.

Here is a place where the CD's can be purchased.

Anxiety and Asperger's

From the website of Nelle Francis. She's from Australia. I include this here because as I read things that enlighten me, I hope others will be informed too.

One interesting thing this Nelle Frances points out is that anxiety in AS people is cyclic. You could go months with only minor upsets and feel like things are getting better and then boom, here come the meltdowns etc. again. She also states that anxiety problems seem to be affected by the lunar cycle. Days of the full moon are troublesome for AS kids. We'll be celebrating Thanksgiving on a big moon day.

Did I tell you that holidays can be a problem too?

Asperger’s Syndrome and Anxiety

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome are known to be more naturally ‘anxious’ than their non- ASD peers. The challenges presented by the 5 characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome (social impairment, communication impairment, sensory sensitivity, repetitive behaviours and difficulty with change) potentially make their world a confusing and frightening reality. Add anxiety to the mix and you may have a child who is anxious and worried 100% of the time. Anxiety and stress over sustained periods of time is shown to lead to exhaustion, the development of allergies and illness.

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome demonstrate their anxiety through a variety/combination of behaviours:-

• Physical symptoms (stomach pains; headache; racing heart; sweaty palms; constricted chest; tight muscles; insomnia)
• Avoidance desire
• Inattention and
• Irritability

Anxiety in children with Asperger’s Syndrome can be triggered unconsciously; when this is coupled with their inability to verbalise effectively it compounds the effects of anxiety – the Asperger child can be extremely anxious, and unable to tell you why (they may not know themselves). They may be able to tell you they have a stomach ache, or don’t wish to go to Joey ’s birthday party, but not know why.

Children with Asperger’s Syndrome are known to have ‘perfectionist’ attitudes towards many areas of their lives, and this can be witnessed through their ‘obsessive/compulsive’ behaviours, their repetitive patterns of behaviour and their difficulty coping with change. This self-imposed ‘perfectionist’ attitude can contribute to their anxiety and ‘pressure to perform’. In other words, children with Asperger’s Syndrome usually place extreme/unrealistic demands on themselves. It’s important to remember this when dealing with an anxious ASD child.

Some useful techniques for supporting an anxious Asperger Syndrome child include:

• Redirection/distraction
• Physical energy ‘burn’ (physical activity such as running, bike riding, jumping on a trampoline, swimming etc)
• ‘Whole-body’ activities (tug-of-war; monkey-bar; rolling on floor/ground)
• Body brushing/massage
• Deep pressure activity (lying under a heavy blanket/cushions/mattress)
• Chewing/sucking (relieves pressure in the jaw)
• Listening (hearing what the Asperger child can tell you)

Anxiety levels in children with Asperger’s Syndrome are ‘cyclic’ in nature, making it more difficult for parents/teachers/carers to identify anxiety triggers. Cycles vary from 4-6 weeks (often linking with lunar cycles). What causes the ASD child mild anxiety one week, may cause extreme anxiety ( and/or avoidance desire) the next.

When our Asperger son was 9 he progressed from a child who was slightly more anxious than his peers, to a child who was extremely anxious, paranoid and agitated in the space of 6 months. Various methods of dealing with anxiety were introduced by the many therapists/professionals treating our son, much of them with conflicting advice. All of them failed to acknowledge the physical symptoms our Asperger son experienced, tending to present the attitude that the anxiety was “self-imposed”, and “if he’s not going to speak about what’s causing the anxiety, then we can’t help him dispel the physical symptoms of that anxiety”.

Our son with Asperger’s Syndrome is now nearly 16, and in the last year has begun to verbalise much more about his experience of that time. He tells us he was very frightened by his physical symptoms, and most of the time he didn’t know what it was about a situation or event that was causing him anxiety, he just knew that the thought of participating sent him into panic. The ‘fight or flight’ response occured almost immediately (before he’d had a chance to process the feeling of panic) and he felt he had no control over his world.

He also says we should’ve listened to him more. For example, if he said didn’t want to go to Joey ’s birthday party, we should’ve understood that he:-

a) knew birthday parties were fun
b) liked eating party food
c) liked singing Happy Birthday
d) knew all the other kids were going
e) wanted to be like all the other kids

We should’ve understood that if there was any way he could’ve coped with the party, he would go. At that point he’d already tried 100 things in his head to talk himself into going. In saying he didn’t want to go, his real message to us was “I can’t cope with that today”.

As you support your child with Asperger’s Syndrome to cope with their anxiety be mindful of ‘hearing’ them – not all avoidance desire is ‘manipulative’ behaviour.

Yes, children with Asperger’s Syndrome can be manipulative, but their desire to not be ‘different’ together with their ‘perfectionist’ attitudes is a strong, internal force that drives them to be all they can be.

Robotic Helper And A Bunch of Rambling Stuff About Asperger's

While I was reading this article, I was thinking how good this robot would be for helping autistic children learn to interact, then the idea was proposed at the end. Apparently, that's what this technology is most likely to be used for.



It would be very nice to be able to use a robot to teach your child how to interact outside of a social setting. When Josie was younger and having a lot more trouble with aggression and empathy, I sure hated the idea of using other people's children to teach her how to interact. The only problem with the robot is that it has no facial expressions. That would make him extra scary to me, but probably more helpful to the autistic community.

Josie has come a long way in this area, especially towards younger children. She has a good instinct about them, and takes very good care and is protective of little ones. They like her too. She doesn't talk down to them. She tried to teach a three year old how to play chess the other night. She didn't expect Lola to know how to play, and just rolled with whatever Lola wanted to do.

Older kids are harder to read. They may be smiling at you when they are bullying you and she thinks they are being nice. Or they won't tell you when they are angry. She can't read that either. Toddlers cry when they are sad, laugh when they are happy, throw a tantrum when they are angry. Josie gets that and has a great amount of confidence with babies and small kids.

Older kids often can't pick out what is not normal about Josie. She works very hard to entertain others, and usually just comes off as a very silly girl. But they do think there's something a bit "off" there. Little ones just take her as she is. Many homeschooled kids are better at taking her at face value too. But as she gets older, that kind of acceptance by her peers happens less and less.

It's appropriate that this robot is a toddler, how do you program a robot to be sarcastic? How do you program a robot to lie to your face? What does a lying face look like? How do we know when someone is doing that?

I'm a neurotypical person, but I can't readily explain how I know the hidden language. It comes naturally to me. That's what makes me neurotypical. Teaching this hidden social curriculum the difficulty in raising a child with Asperger's syndrome. It's like teaching someone how to build a strong house with popsicle sticks and paperclips. You need to become a totally new kind of draftsman to find out how to make it happen with what you've been given.

I wonder how many neurotypical people who understand the hidden language are out there programming robots? These engineering fields seem to be highly populated with aspies. But perhaps it takes a more scientific knowledge of human behavior to program a robot to emulate a human personality, precisely the kind of textbook style knowledge people with asperger's syndrome need to use daily in dealing with social situations.

Joey Pigza Swallowed the Key (So Why is There a Lump in My Throat?)

I just read Joey Pigza Swallowed the Key. It's about a boy with ADHD and a less than ideal start family-wise. I'll give it five stars, but you have to be geared up for it if your kid has "something" or you have "something". I don't know if the author intended for this to happen, but I cried through the whole damn book.

Great Autism Video

I love this song too. Watch it all the way to the end.





My kid may have to conduct all of her mega corporate business meetings from beneath the conference table in a cardboard box, but with 1 in 160 dealing with this stuff I expect to see inflatable under desk "conference boxes" equipped with noise canceling headphones in our future.

Holy Meltdown Batman!

To all of my dear friends who witnessed the disturbing events that transpired today...

I would like to let you know that, after my kid called your kids terrible names, called you terrible names, and called me everything in the book besides patient, loving, beffudled mother, and after a harrowing road trip home with me trying to keep my chin up while this verbal abuse went on, and laughing through my tears as (God! You won't even believe this!) Beat on the Brat by the Ramones was playing on the radio....

We called the chiropractor and the child's vertebrae have been adjusted so that her head turns in a normal fashion, instead of fully rotating.

We called the gastroenterologist and the green pea soup has been pumped from her stomach.

We called the surgeon and the blue bucket has finally been removed from her grasp.

We called a bible camp teacher by the name of Linda, who is the finest exorcist Concord Christian School could find and she informed us that although the devil is still working hard on our child, a few rounds of "May the Circle Be Unbroken" and some minor child abuse should nip it in the bud.

We called the podiatrist and he recommended she wear size 13 men's shoes from now on, which will serve to prevent her from running too fast and having to be corralled by two heat exhausted mothers again.

We called the zoo, told them our story, and asked for some small primate tranquilizer darts. They are sending them Federal Express.

We called on the doctor and told him Focalin probably wasn't the most calming of medicines for this particular child.

Well, we really just called a family meeting on the kitchen floor for a deadly serious lecture to the child, that ended up with her remorseful and tearful little head on Daddy's shoulder. She managed to hiccup out, "I do all of the things a bad friend does. Sometimes I feel guilty about me."

And well, a sad as that sounds, I think that can be called a good thing today.

Just a Flesh Wound

I was just reading this post on no school, just learning, and instead of blogging in his comments section, which I tend to do after a couple of cups of coffee, I thought I'd post my story on my blog.

Last week, me and Josie were at the doctor's office, and he was checking her reflexes. Now this wasn't a pediatrician, but a psychiatrist, and they ask a lot of personal probing questions. I felt fairly confident that I had presented us as the relatively healthy family we are. By no means are we perfect ( who is?), but we're not dysfunctional or anything. You know, I get 45 minutes to stammer that fact out in a myriad of ways to someone I hardly know, when I really should be finding out whether this psychiatrist is familiar with Asperger's and fit to treat my kid, but I digress. Back to the reflexes. He got his little hammer out and straightened out her left arm, palms up, and there on the inside of her forearm was an oval bruise. He asked her where she got it. She replied "My daddy bit me."

Oh sheesh.

You should have seen the look on his face when he turned around.

I know my husband didn't bite her, not in the werewolf sense of the word. There's a lot of roughhousing that goes on around here. Kids get thrown all over the place. After daddy gets home, I go immediately into the kitchen and look for my headphones, because the Screaming and Squealing hour has arrived. There's no safe way to walk through the living room after 5:30 pm, without risk of being knocked on your rear by some blond child being catapulted across the room. I imagine that her arm must have been pretending to be a turkey leg or something, and Daddy must have been chewing on it. I can also imagine that there was a lot of maniacal laughter involved in this, and quite possibly an "Ow!" and a "Sorry sweetie." Who knows.

But I could just see the gears in his head. "No wonder I'm treating this kid for anxiety. Her dad bites her."

Oh sheesh.

"Was I Good Today, Mama?"

Today we went to the park to meet with the other homeschoolers. It's an every Wednesday thing that we enjoy. My friend Dharma came along with her two girls Rain and Autumn, and the weather was warm enough for swimming, so everyone wore their bathing suits.

The kids were eager to get in the water, so after slapping the sunscreen on, they ran right in. The three girls decided it was great fun to have a mud fight and got plenty dirty before swimming around. Jake was doing his thing, splashing around with some friends made on the spot, then coming ashore to show them his hand stand technique.

I was talking to the other parents, minding my own business, when I notice a concerned expression on Dharma's face. She's looking out into the water as if she's trying to hear something. I notice a small group of kids crowding around this hulking girl that is "all up in" my daughter's face. I watch Josie, craning her neck, but not stepping back, say with a great big grin "You're twelve?! My cousin is twelve too!" I didn't hear exactly what the hulking girl was saying, but she was wagging her neck around, and I could hear her mocking Josie's voice, still standing in this aggressive pose. Soon my kid, still grinning, swims a little bit away to play by the ropes. After that, I could see the bully talking to the little gaggle of kids behind her, saying stuff about my kid that I can't even remember through the red that was forming in front of my eyes. I could tell she was showing off for the littler kids who seemed to look up to her. I noticed Rain and Autumn were facing this girl, I couldn't hear what they said. I gathered they were attempting to stick up for Josie in front of this intimidating little crowd. Next I heard the hulky girl say "She's your friend?! How can you stand her? She's such a brat!"

I decided to let the circle of Josie-haters know that I was there and could hear what they were saying. A littler girl yelled out to me "That girl threw mud in her hair!" pointing to Hulky. I told the kids, as if they would really give a shit, "she wanted to play with you, it's a game for her, she didn't know she was being mean." (I understood that having mud thrown in your hair could be disconcerting, and may warrant a bit of chewing out, but this girl was going for the Oscar and it was getting out of hand. Add to that the kind of chuckling by the smaller kids that comes along with someone sharing a naughty secret, and my sympathies disappeared.)

I call Josie in to talk to her. I ask her if she could tell that that girl was angry and wanted to fight her. My child told me "no". She was surprised to hear this information. I explained how you can't start a mudfight with total strangers, and you should never start one without asking permission. She was clear and went back out to swim after having a sandwich.

I asked the homeschoolers I was with if they ever wanted to throttle someone else's child, and if I was a total jerk for wanting to go out there and commence to some mighty spanking. One of the parents told me a story about how he told a girl to never come back to his girl scout troop. I asked him why, and he began telling me about her behaviors. It sounded to me as if this girl may have had ADHD or some spectrum thing going on. I asked him if he thought she was a normally developing child, or if she was neurotypical. He looked at me as if I was bonkers. I shouldn't have asked in the first place, I know.

Back out in the water, another drama was unfolding. A boy was paddling a boat full of kids, Rain and Autumn included, round and round the swimming area. Josie cried out for them to wait for her. He began paddling faster. She managed to catch up. After a great struggle, with him still paddling for dear life, she managed to get on. The paddling boy yelled for all the kids to jump out when Josie got in.

I wanted to take her out of there now.

I got all of our stuff gathered up and yelled for the kids to come on. We were going back to Dharma's house to swim there, so I took Rain and Autumn along in the new minivan so they could try it out. Rain said "Everyone was calling Josie a weirdo out there." I said "I saw you sticking up for her, Rain. You're a good friend." I drove on a little lump in my throat.

Josie seemed totally oblivious to all that had gone on there. Naturally. This misunderstanding of facial expressions, and social interaction, and not knowing when you're being teased or rejected is a common aspie trait. She just went on and on about the dachsund she played with, and the baby bird hopping around the park, and a myriad of other delightful subjects, as we drove.

Everything went well at our friends' house, and we came home around 5 o' clock. When we saw Dad, I told him we went to the park and then we swam at Dharma's.

Josie stood in the living room shivering a bit in her bathing suit, and turned to me with her big eyes, and an expectant smile. She had her hands clasped under her chin and her shoulders up. "Was I good today, Mama?"

"Yes, baby, you were good today."

Social Skills, Asperger's, and Homeschooling

I just read something about Asperger's kids that I'd like to share, it's a major reason why I've chosen to homeschool, and decided to ignore the advice of the developmental psychologist who told me she needed to go to school for the socialization.

From Parenting Your Asperger Child by Alan Sohn Ed.d, and Cathy Grayson, M.A.

"Schools tend to focus on academics. Many Asperger children have fairly well-developed academic skills. It will be the cognitive, behavioral, social, and emotional issues that will be the most important ones for your child to learn. You will be your child's most important teacher because you spend more time with him than anyone else and, also, because he needs to demonstrate the appropriate skills in the real world, not just in a classroom."


My first question about this quote is, does a child in school really spend more time with his parent than anyone else? You factor in the time you spend rushing your kid off in the morning, about an hour, not really quality time either. After you pick them up, she needs a bit of time to decompress, play a game on the computer for an hour. After that, you talk to her about the phone call you recieved from the principal and explain to them how it's innapropriate to pretend you're a barn swallow during math or some such thing, then she has homework you can both cry over. After that is dinner. After dinner, Dad wants to play with the kids, as he should. Story time. Bed time.

My second question is, what's more important to my child's life, the classroom, or the real world? Is a classroom even marginally close to the experiences of real life? In the real world she is confronted with more choices, but also allowed more choices. She meets people of all ages and goes everywhere I go, the grocery store, the homeschool co-op, the roller derby....In the real world, she's not under a microscope and can develop coping mechanisms without being overly-traumatized at the same time.

And is a classroom a very good place to address the most important "behavioral, social, and emotional issues", or does the classroom environment just exacerbate the problem with social skills?

I sent her to school on the advice of an otherwise really great developmental psychologist. I thought I was finally doing what was right. What I didn't know was that the child spent the whole day at school performing innapropriate behaviors that the teachers had no time to address, or didn't observe. Other children spent a good deal of time being entertained or bothered by her behaviors, or teasing her. And two months later at a meeting with the principal and the 5 others (teachers, nurse, administrators, and a psychologist), I find out about 15 other major incidents that they saved up just for this meeting instead of calling me about them that day. All the opportunities to educate the child in social skills were neglected in that time and the anxiety and behavior become worse and worse, and the her reputation suffers. Did you know in my daughter's public school last year they waited a month to tell me about my her removing her clothing in the cafeteria? And that they blamed her for this incident instead of the kid who told her it was fun and okay to do it? It was clear my kid was not in full possession of her faculties. I should have taken her out of school the moment I heard that story. My bad.

Anyway, why spend 12 years teaching a child with a social disability how to survive in a school environment, only to later have to teach them how to live in the real world? Why not teach them how to live in the real world first and introduce them to the idea of school when they are old enough to go to college and have a handle on what to do with their life? I would say a young adult with asperger's is more likely to find comfortable social groups at a technical college, a group of D & D geeks, or in the AV club, when they are older, without all the baggage of being an outcast in public school growing up.

Homeschooling my child has allowed me to introduce her to situations more slowly and tackle social and behavioral issues when I see them. I can tailor a program just for her to help her navigate the real world. I know the kids she plays with, and the parents understand the situation, many of them are dealing with similar issues in their children as well.

So now we're part of a co-op and developed a small group of friends, and we're in gymnastics, and she's beginning to get educated not only in balance and coordination, but personal space, interrupting, and volume control. We've begun to do a lot more schoolwork with a lot less tears, but it's because I really have decided to devote my time to my child and am blessed to have the means to do so. I really do spend more time with her than anyone else, and I am her most important teacher. Little by little things will get better, and poor behaviors will be replaced with new appropriate ones, and I will hold her hand less and less. One day she will grow up and disconnect from me, and leave the nest.

It's funny to me how this has come around to a bird metaphor, because she's in love with birds, and believes she will find a way to fly someday. She'll have to fall a little more than the others, and I'll have to be there to pick her up more than most moms, but she will fly, because I am here with her on her journey, and am able and willing to teach her how to navigate the world with a more positive outlook, and I am here when she needs a place to rest.

Picture Stories for Asperger's Help

I decided to go ahead and try out this picture story thing with my daughter. In gymnastics class this morning, she spent most of the time disturbing the peace. She goes up to eleven, you see, and everyone has to hear everything that comes into her head, and they have to hear it as if she's shouting from the rooftops. Kids with Asperger's aren't trying to be disruptive, and aren't acting out to get attention. They simply don't understand the unspoken rules of behavior and communication. I suffer from the affliction of believing that since my kid is no dummy, that she should know these rules from me telling them to her. You should hear me. At least 10 times before the class today I had to go to her and say "Your volume, Josie." Maybe someday she'll come back at me with "Your valium, mommy." Ha. Well, anyway, the thing about Asperger's is that these kids are incapable of learning social rules simply by hearing them. They have to be convinced, and they have to know "why". That's where my little pictures come in.



I explained the scientific theories of sound waves and interference by drawing out a picture of her gymnastics class. I indicated Josie's sound waves as she was interrupting her teacher, Brian. I showed his sound waves colliding with hers. I made sure to show exasperated expressions on the other girls' faces. She watched as I drew and I explained how the girls were hearing his sound waves mixed up with hers, and how they couldn't learn when this happened. I asked her to tell me which character on the page was the "expert". She told me it was Brian. I asked her who was more important for the girls to hear. She beamed at me and said "Brian!"


Then I drew this next picture of a class full of girls that listen to their teacher. I asked Josie to tell me why they were smiling. She said "cause they can hear". I asked her what they learned. She said "gymnastics". Then I drew little muscles on their arms and showed her how they all got strong. After that I drew her teacher with a little tear on his cheek because he was so proud of his students. I told her he was dreaming that they would go to the Olympics. She enjoyed this whole exercise immensly, and I thought I saw a little lightbulb. Maybe that's just me dreaming.

I also told her that if she could be quiet for at least 15 minutes of her class next week, she would get extra computer time.

This is an unscientific study, folks. We'll see how she does. Of course I won't know if it was the picture story or the computer bribe that helped if things go well next week, but if it works I'm willing to make it my new Pavlovian habit, right up there with my nine year habit of talking my head off to a kid who doesn't get it.

Another New Favorite Thing

OMG! I have wanted to say this so many times! Here's a website called Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid. I'll have to submit a story someday. I've got a whole mess of them.