Holy Meltdown Batman!

To all of my dear friends who witnessed the disturbing events that transpired today...

I would like to let you know that, after my kid called your kids terrible names, called you terrible names, and called me everything in the book besides patient, loving, beffudled mother, and after a harrowing road trip home with me trying to keep my chin up while this verbal abuse went on, and laughing through my tears as (God! You won't even believe this!) Beat on the Brat by the Ramones was playing on the radio....

We called the chiropractor and the child's vertebrae have been adjusted so that her head turns in a normal fashion, instead of fully rotating.

We called the gastroenterologist and the green pea soup has been pumped from her stomach.

We called the surgeon and the blue bucket has finally been removed from her grasp.

We called a bible camp teacher by the name of Linda, who is the finest exorcist Concord Christian School could find and she informed us that although the devil is still working hard on our child, a few rounds of "May the Circle Be Unbroken" and some minor child abuse should nip it in the bud.

We called the podiatrist and he recommended she wear size 13 men's shoes from now on, which will serve to prevent her from running too fast and having to be corralled by two heat exhausted mothers again.

We called the zoo, told them our story, and asked for some small primate tranquilizer darts. They are sending them Federal Express.

We called on the doctor and told him Focalin probably wasn't the most calming of medicines for this particular child.

Well, we really just called a family meeting on the kitchen floor for a deadly serious lecture to the child, that ended up with her remorseful and tearful little head on Daddy's shoulder. She managed to hiccup out, "I do all of the things a bad friend does. Sometimes I feel guilty about me."

And well, a sad as that sounds, I think that can be called a good thing today.

It's the End of Me

Remember that movie Like Water For Chocolate? If they made a movie for me, it would be Like Homer For Doughnuts. Well, Dunkin Donuts is removing all trans fats from their doughnuts. All I need is one more excuse to eat a Dunkin Donut. As you recall, I had an earlier post about a year back. I'll let you scroll through my archives and find it. You should get to know me better anyway. I'm really a lot of fun.

Some of My Favorite Things

I thought my friends would like to these. They are old, in web years that is, but I think James Lileks is very funny. I have his book Mommy Knows Worst: Highlights from the Golden Age of Bad Parenting Advice.

Here is his Gallery of Regrettable Food.

Here is The Grooviest Motel In Wisconsin. I can smell cigarette smoke with a hint of bourbon and seven when I see these. For reasons I can't fathom, these sights and smells take me back to my early childhood. There must have been a time in my formative years when I was surrounded by a lot of partying and purple shag carpet. Do I need a hypnotist?

Here's the whole Institute of Official Cheer, just in case that beer you were trying to drink when you started perusing these sites hasn't burned out the lining of your nose.

Enjoy.

Bo-Ring!

Aside from posting on my other creative endeavors, my life hasn't been very blogworthy lately. Stay tuned though, we'll try to run into something interesting to experience and write about. Just kind of waiting around for my kids to be funny or something for now.

A Different Kind of Drawing

It's all about the hair.

More Drawings

A Memorial Portrait.
In the original photo he had a beer in his hand and his arm around his wife. She was holding a rubber chicken. He found it all terribly funny. The rest of the story isn't terribly funny, and I find myself thinking about these sad things as I draw.

This is the Mata Hari. Her story is a fascinating one. It's a bit sad too. I've drawn her in several poses. The old photos of her are splendid. If you have a chance to read a biography of her, I would highly recommend it. Then tell me the title so I can read it too.

Now I will proceed to mess with my drawing with my software. Enjoy.

This is Mata Hari in toxic chrome.

negative

sepia (my favorite)

maroon chrome

hot wax

high intensity chrome

I Like Big Dogs

Your Ideal Pet is a Big Dog

You're both energetic, affectionate, and a bit goofy. And neither of you seem to mind very slobbery kisses!

What's Your Ideal Pet?

I Have An Assault Weapon On My Chest

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Angelina Jolie

Who's Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

Lizard and Bad Guy

Lizard

Bad Guy


The kids and I made them out of felt.

Short Conversation

Last night we went to the party of some friends, and took the kids along since it was that kind of get together. Our hostess' parents were there, and sat pretty quietly at the dinner table while the children ran around squealing, howling etc. Our little girl plopped down right next to my friend's mother, looked over at her with her big blue eyes and said, "I love to sit with the elderly." To which my friend's mom motioned to her husband and said "Go sit with him then."

My Wish

It is a testament to my priveledged (some may say spoiled) existence, that one of my greatest wishes is for a tiny little person to take up residence in my laundry room, whose only joy is sorting, washing, drying and folding, and who doesn't mind sleeping next to a cat box. Oh! and who pretty much stays out of my sight, because the idea of tiny people creeping around my house gives me the heebie jeebies.

It's Now 2007, I'm Going Out to Buy My Silver Suit

A real live flying saucer. Apparently one of the models can dock with a skyscraper. I don't know how that works, but these guys know the alien technology, so ask them.



It appears that it's hooked loosely to a crane, but it doesn't look like the crane is assisting its flight. Oh and the crop-circle like imprint on the grass was a nice touch.

The Hike

Yesterday at 10 am we set out for Grotto Falls. It's been a little more than a year since we went last. My very first official post on this blog was some pics my kids had taken at the falls.

To get there, you go to traffic light 8 in Gatlinburg and make a left. You will go down a beautiful meandering drive. The first major attraction to those who prefer scenery without the long hike is Rainbow Falls. It's on your right a little ways up and you can park there and hear the falls from the lot. I was worried that maybe I was wrong and our hike last year had actually been Rainbow Falls and not Grotto Falls, and the drive had been so long from Knoxville, I was concerned that if I passed up this parking lot I was actually missing the hike. It was a one way road and in order to turn around I would have to take it to the end. It's my brain. It doubts me all the time.

So we parked in the second lot and went back to the Rainbow Falls lot. Upon entering the trail, we saw a sign that said "Grotto Falls 3.5". I did a little thinking, and decided we would do it. I needed the exercise badly, because lately I feel like jumping out of my skin all the time and I wanted to wear myself out. I also thought that the kids could do it. And they did impress me. We hadn't had lunch, and we still hiked 7 miles in all, and they whined less than they do at Lowe's.
I loved this tree stump. It made me think of that book Watcher in the Woods. I don't really remember the book, but I know it was eerie and there was a tree in it like this.
This was a doe we followed for a little while. This path was almost deserted. She didn't seem to be too concerned that we were following her. I was a bit concerned that we would run into a bear though.
What a cute little mushroom. I think it looks like a fairy place. About five minutes after this we saw some poop right in the middle of the trail. It looked like pie filling it was so full of berries, and it seemed mighty fresh. It wasn't deer poop, because deer poop is kind of pretty. I know that sounds weird, but it looks like big coffee beans and its shiny. I worried this was bear poop, and hoped this bear didn't have a hankerin' for kid meat. I looked it up on the internet when I got home, and it was actually bear poop. It was much fresher looking than any of the pictures I found online.

We hit the Grotto Falls trail after a 2.5 mile hike on the primitive trail. We hiked another mile to get to the falls. They were gorgeous of course. There were lots of people there.


Josie found lots of salamanders. Every time we go out to the rivers in the Smokies we look for them, but have had no success. We found a larvae once in Norris, but that was it. She found plenty at the falls, and managed to snap a picture of this one. He was about four inches long with a head the size of a hershey's kiss, so he was pretty big.

Walking back along the populated trail, another hiker pointed out bear tracks to us. They didn't really show up in this picture.


We got back to the end of the Grotto trail and decided we would try to get back to our car by traveling on the road. It was smooth. We were very thirsty by this point, and the kids were complaining about the bugs. Josie remarked that they were midges and they had red eyes. I asked her how she could tell on such a tiny bug. She said "When I squoosh them between my eyelids, I take them out and look at them." This was a deer by the road. It was the last picture before my camera ran out of memory, and about that point I wasn't giving a shit about my camera's memory. I was just ready to get home. We'd been hiking for about 5 hours, and we were done.

The deserted trail we had been on originally was just up a small hill from the road, so we climbed up to it to finish our endless hike. About .7 miles from the end of the trail, Jake looks up into the woods and calls to me breathlessly. "The bear! The bear!" It was a small bear about 20 feet away. I felt like it was a bit too close for comfort, but I was also excited to see it. I didn't take a picture, I just wanted to look at him and then get to the car.

It took us about an hour and a half to get home from Gatlinburg due to traffic, and stopping at McDonalds to replenish our calories. I was very proud of my kids. They whined less than me, and if you know how whiny they can get, you have to wonder about how much I was whining. Honestly, not much. And I thought I was going to wheeze at one point, but that was only because a hiker on the Grotto Falls trail passed me and she was wearing some Estee Lauder fragrance that really gets to my respiratory system.

After all of that you would think I would have calmed a bit, but I'm still jumpy today. I don't think I'll go on a hike though.