Non-Stop Video Games

If I didn't limit their video game playing, I think they would become cyborgs. I heard a Canadian comedian on the satellite radio, Johnny Munro, who was talking about babysitting his nephew who was a little video game addict. Roughly....

"So I decided to try a little psychology with him. I told him I had a brand-new, 3-D, virtual reality game for him, then I strapped some ski-googles on him and sent him outside. I guess the joke was on me though, two hours later the cops show up and he'd already stolen a car and beaten up a hooker."

Well at least my kids are off the streets.

Rudyard Kipling's "Just So" Stories

I very truly must make a high recomendation to all my families to read some Just So Stories aloud to their most 'satiable curtious children. Specially the one about the Elephant and how he got his trunk by the great- green- greasy Limpopo river. Have a little spot of hot tea next to you when you do this, because it is most very 'ceedingly difficult to say some of the long-windy words. When you read how the Leopard got his spots, you can also learn how the Etiopian decided to turn brown. Truly, best Beloved, it is most 'ceedingly fun.

Making a Mountain out of a Mole

Michelle Malkin has excised something insignificant that got all blown out of proportion by the White House press corps, who apparently have nothing better to investigate.

I think Laura Bush may be constipated. Let's hold a press conference and get a proctologist here quickly. We need to see her latest colonoscopy. We have questions, lots of questions.

The hilarity of the situation is that if Mrs. Bush became a spokeswoman for squamous cell carcinoma, the press would be all over Tony Snow interrogating him about whether this was an important health issue, and why the First Lady wasn't out campaigning against Aids in Africa with Bono or something.

Our Trip to the Nursing Home

Today our little co-op went to the nursing home to visit and pass out Christmas cards. The look on the patients' faces will stay with me for a long time. Many of them took a while to recognize that there was a little person in front of them. But then a kid would put a card in their hand (or drop it in their lap) and say Merry Christmas. That empty look would leave some of their faces, and Grandpa or Grandma would emerge for a short while and they would smile and say "Well, bless your heart" or "Merry Christmas" or "You come back any time and see Nanny, okay?". A few of the patients would just smile.

One lady I won't forget for a long time. She was walking slowly down the hall with an aid beside her and two of the kids went running up to her and handed her their cards. We were all standing outside a room where an old woman who seemed to be pretty lucid was giving away free hugs to our littlest member (two). When the children came back to us, the walking lady followed. Tears were streaming down her nose, and she just stood among us crying like that. She asked for more cards, and the kids just kept giving them to her.

While we were waiting for the world's slowest elevator to carry us down a floor, the kids were singing "Jingle Bells". A very hunched-over woman with a walker sang the whole thing with us, rocking a little, and grinning.

Our trip ended with some boisterous tree-climbing in the front yard. A man in the lobby watched them the whole time.

I so truly wish them all a Merry Christmas, and pray that they have families that will visit them often. If not, I hope our loud, irreverent little kids helped just a little.

As an aside: Old people need little kids around, and little kids need to be there for them too, and all of us in the middle need to make sure that happens, whether our hearts can take it or not. (I mean, the kids were happy, the elderly patients seemed happy to have them, and here I am crying about it.)

Homeschooling for the Bloody Capitalist

The real world is a place where people get paid for their labor. I've decided my kids will get paid for theirs too. For the kids should enjoy learning and doing for its own sake crowd, please start formulating your arguments now, and I heartily promise to ignore them.

From now on if my kids read 10 books, come and tell me about all of them, choose one and write a good one page book report about it they get $5. If it is an especially neat page of writing, they get an extra $1.

If they learn their times tables and take a test and pass, they get $3 for each test passed. They can only take one test a week. There will be no test on 1x. Duh.

They will have to pay me for TV time and computer and playstation time. 50 cents for each 30 minute increment. Educational TV and computer is free. If they write a page about what they learned on TV or on the PC, then they receive $2.

For Jake a day without whining or screaming nets him $2. If he does either of these things he pays me $2. I will keep a sheet on this so if he goes in the hole, he'll have a little lesson on credit and collections.

Same for Josie about using a nice tone of voice.

From now on they buy all of their toys and candy themselves. Christmas doesn't count. Gifts from Grandmas and Grandpas etc. don't count either.

Later, I may get into them taking a loan out from us in order to buy a big item if they don't have enough, but I think that's a concept more for the 11 and above crowd.

Fire away.

Roamin' Joe and J.C. Discover Florida

Greetings from the Atlanta Airport where we awaiteth our second flight at Delta Airlines gate 36B. We arriveth in Atlanta approximately 35 minutes after leaving Knoxville, and travelleth about 450 miles across the Atlanta Airport to get to our lonesome gate, located in a janitor's closet. Despiteth the long-journey, the Christ Child and I did enjoyeth the tram, it sure beateth the donkey.
It seems Delta airlines prefereth J.C. to be seatetheth over the wing. Quite accustomed to seeing the landscapes from on high, he crieth not. The children did spy a manta ray in the water, and were well-pleased.

After our kind hosts' children enjoyeth a short nap, a delicious meal of lasagna, a trip to RonJon surf shop where provisions of a frisbee that gloweth and a bucket for sand were purchasedeth, we wearily proceededeth to the causeway to view the launching of the shuttle. Lil' J.C. and I haileth from a warm middle-eastern desert climate, and were quite pleased to know that Florida was a warm place too. Imagineth our surprise when the temperature droppeth to 50 degrees. We were unable to find clothes for the Christ Child, but again he crieth not. Our hosts girl-child found this exciting trip quite exhausting and began performing her best Linda Blair meets Charlie Babbitt impression while trying to pee in the bushes. We assured her that, being a good Lutheran, her Grandmother has not goneth over to the dark side and is not evil, an empty bladder is a joyful bladder, and if you don't want strangers bearing flashlights to shineth them on you in your most private of moments it is very important to shutteth one's pie-hole.



So freezing as we were, the elders were delighted to hear the sounds of a child's lullaby twinkling towards us. Hark? What cometh across the fields? A fine musical chariot carrying ice cream. What perfect timing.And lo, the boy child walketh away bearing a fudge-cicle, and the girl child contenteth herself with an eskimo bar. ( Lil' J.C. considereth purchasing an ice cream truck, for many suffering children did come unto it that night.)



Why are we in a bucket of sand do you ask? At the last moment of our suffering, NASA scrappeth the launch, and we returneth to a comfortable place upside-down in the soil. (The bucket did not sell.)
Our journey was not for naught. After a good night's slumber, and a breakfast of coffee cake we headeth out to Trappman's Market to buy some blue crab. We were comforted to learn that the fish were so fresh here that they had to slap them. Our gentile hosts greatly enjoy the meat of the crab. Fourteen were brought home in a cooler. The girl-child loveth the crab in a petly way, but alas she did submit to the wishes of her elders and placeth the crustaceans in a boiling pot. Later she gleefully cracketh the shells along with her less-animal attached brother and a great feast of stewed corn, shrimp, potatoes amd crabmeat was enjoyed by all.


It was a good and enlightening experience to be in Florida. We saw many feathered creatures of the air, that can not be seen in Tennessee. We spied spoonbills, egrets, cranes, and a small blue vireo. We chaseth an alligator into a pond, and scareth a great white crane who took wing above our heads in glorious flight. Our tribe also plucketh orange fruit straight from the tree and this morning as we write the juices floweth over our chin and sticketh on our neck. The childrens' mother forgetteth her camera often, but did not turn back, for she prefereth to view life through her eyes rather than through a lens. If thou desireth to see, thou must purchaseth thine own plane ticket.

Our journey is complete and we departeth with the lovely image of Izzy kissing a crustaceon. Verily, there are finer things in this world than the viewing of a shuttle. More shuttles will launch, and though we always look for moments with fire and great roaring flames that will be seared in our memories, it is truly the everyday delights that flicker by into the past without our notice that bring us happiness, then we find ourselves with a smile on our face and we hardly know why.